Setting Healthy Boundaries With Your Teen

Boundaries are healthy limits put in place to help your teen stay safe. They establish who your teen is, what they value, and how they want to be treated. This also rings true for parents - what do you value in your relationship with your teen, and how do you want to be treated? Boundaries must be clearly communicated and firmly established in order to be effective. They're an important part of development in adolescence, and you as a parent can help your teen right now to develop healthy boundaries for the future.

A parent with poor boundaries with their teen will likely struggle feeling respected. For example: your teen may not want to contribute by doing reasonable chores to help around the house. They are disrespectful when asked to participate and would rather hang out with their friends than contribute to the family. As a parent, you may feel at times that the easiest route to go is to give in and let your teen be with their friends. This is not a sign of healthy parental boundaries. Over time, your teen will learn that as long as they behave a certain way, they will get what they want. This leaves parents feeling defeated and teens feeling overly empowered.. As time progresses, more serious boundary breaches may occur that go beyond just chores. What happens when your teen starts spending time with others who are involved in harmful or dangerous activities? If your teen has never respected parental boundaries, you may have a difficult time guiding them out of more serious situations.

Alternatively, setting healthy boundaries with your teen can lead to a more trusting relationship and deeper respect for both parents and teens. If you can establish a healthy relationship with your teen for something simple like chores, it becomes a building block for your teen to trust you with other matters that are much more life-altering.

Many parents experience hesitancy in setting boundaries with their teens. This stems from the fear of boundaries inhibiting the relationship in a negative way. While society (and most parents) craves a friendly relationship between parents and children, it is important to remember that your number one priority as a parent is to keep your child safe rather than be their friend. This means that, at times, you have to enforce boundaries that may make your teen upset. Accepting responsibility for your teen’s safety can help ease the guilt around setting healthy boundaries with them.

Healthy boundaries will look different for each teen/parent relationship. The boundaries they set with their friends will be different from the boundaries you establish with them as parents. Some examples of healthy boundaries between you and your teen could include computer usage in open areas of the house, access to teen’s phone to reasonably monitor their activity, no sleepovers, etc - whatever you believe helps keep your child safe while allowing them to gain valuable life experience. As a result of your boundaries with your teen, your teen may also set boundaries with their friends to reflect and respect the ones already established in the house. For example, if you set a boundary regarding phone usage at night, they may need to let their friends know that they will not be texting past 11:30pm.

Each situation is different, which means boundaries will look different for everyone. Consider the areas that need attention with your teen - are they struggling in school? Do they frequently disrespect you and other adults? Other more extreme issues include experimenting with drugs and alcohol, clothing choices, deception and lying, running away, etc.

When setting boundaries with your teen, the first thing you should do is let them know that these boundaries stem from a place of love. You are here to support and protect them, not fight with them. Many parent/teen relationships involve butting heads rather than a mutual understanding that the end goal is the same on both sides - happiness and safety for you and your teen. Communicate with your teen that you love them, you are on their side, and that you want to help them succeed.

Next, be honest and clear with your reasoning. Be direct with the rules and requirements you expect them to follow. The more clear you are with your teen, the less you will have to define down the road.
Communicate with your teen that they have the freedom to respect or reject the rules. No one is forcing them to do anything!

If they choose to respect the rules, they will earn more trust from you. However, if they choose to reject them, there will be consequences and trust will be broken.

It can feel exhausting and defeating to see your teen blatantly violate boundaries that are there to keep them and their relationship to you safe. When your teen does break boundaries with you, take the time to dig beneath the surface of the problem to the root cause. If your teen breaks curfew, try not to assume what their intentions were. Do they have friends that bully them for going home too early? Are they finding themselves in situations where peer pressure is overwhelming? The more you seek to understand your teen’s motives and reasoning, the more you will learn about their struggles.

At times, recovering after a violation of boundaries can feel daunting - especially if it wasn’t the first offense. There will be setbacks and breaches of trust that will require more work from both you and your teen. Be patient and give your teen the opportunity to rebuild trust and respect in the relationship.

Above all, never let your teen’s actions impair your love for them. Express it freely and frequently in a way that will resonate with your teen.